So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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