I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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