how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I lost the right to judge tonight
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
