i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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