I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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