I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
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