Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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