my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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