mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I puked a lego.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
