I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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