If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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