You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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