my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
