yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
