made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
