im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
