I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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