You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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