I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
