I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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