He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
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