I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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