I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
