I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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