so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
