She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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