She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
