I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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