Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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