Dude my mom stole all your condoms
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
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