Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
