The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
