i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
