Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
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