i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
