A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
