I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
do herpes really smell.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
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