Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
