Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
What a fucking waste of an outfit
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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