At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
