if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
