Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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