Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
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