Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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