im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
