Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
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