You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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