For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
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