please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
