I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
