Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
