nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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