When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
