I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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