I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
