His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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