dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
