He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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