I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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