she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
