When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I just had sex on a roof
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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