i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
