remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
