But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
