she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
