i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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